Mothers, the best training is to train your mind

There was this one day when I sat with my husband in front of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit room waiting for the doctor who would observe my newborn son, my 3-day little son, I was blank and broken, I had never experienced broken-hearted but not as broke as that one. After a few hours of sitting blankly, the nurse came out and called "Byantara's parent" then we enter the room, and nothing poke me until as time rolled I went to a hospital and was called "Byantara's mother", I went to a playground and his friend's mother called me "Byantara's Mom" even the teacher in the Preschool, and of course, even sometimes my friends call me "Mama Byan." I never thought that being a mother to Byan meant detaching myself from my own name, even name, the very basic identity of our self, and of course, it comes with a very huge responsibility. A responsibility that sometimes, made me lose myself, that kind of responsibility that made me once dumbfounded when one afternoon, I accompanied my 6 months old baby playing in his bed when suddenly he slipped and bumped his head. My dad got angry and he blames me, he said: "it's never the baby's fault, it's always the caregiver's". As a new mother who was still learning everything, I was mad, really mad, but I didn't know to whom did I mad? Was it to my father? To my baby? or to myself?. Well, I guess this is just one of the examples of that kind of responsibility.

I graduated from my University in 2015, then I got my first office-working experience for 1 year, then moved to my last job at the end of 2016, and work there for 2 years before I resigned in Mid of 2018 because I wanted to focus on taking care of my 6 months old baby who was in a special condition. Basically, I never care so much in my life as a person than myself, suddenly I need to put my 24/7 attention on my little creature. I had never planned to quit my job before, my plan was to let my mother and nanny take care, of my baby, not until day 5 of my newborn baby, that the doctor diagnosed him with a disease called Hirschsprung, something that I never ever heard before.

So, at first, that wasn't so hard when I live in a house with my mother and maids around, not until I moved to Singapore with my husband for his Master's degree program. Nope Nope, don't worry next sentence and paragraph will not be about how hard living abroad with no maid –and-just-the-three-of-us- is because believe me living in Indonesia apparently tougher, sometimes. Besides, I and my husband made very good teamwork in taking care of our baby and the household work, I even still manage to work, and join workshops or seminars to keep me sane.

There were times when I lay on my bed, my baby slept, my husband went to school, and I was alone in the apartment, my thought roaming around to who I really was? What did I want? why did I work? How about my master's degree plan? Oh, life, where you are taking me to? Let's just say I had that identity crisis. After that lying down moment, I went through my day by day as usual, until one day I read again one of my college books and I found Francis Fukuyama said that Identity grows between our inner self and our outer complex world which has been tied to social rules and norms that sometimes doesn’t adequately the inner self's worth of oneself. Everyone has that inner self that becomes the basis of human dignity, and that thing seeks recognition, he said that sometimes, it is not enough if we have a sense of our worth if other people do not acknowledge it. Self-esteem arises out of esteem by others, because human beings naturally crave recognition. 

Then I understand, that after years of working, I was fighting for self-acknowledgment, self-development, and enrichment, and when suddenly I stop, it hit me hard, when I face the reality to take care of my baby 24/7 I was a little out of myself. But those moments got me to deep thinking, and a way to shift my mind, I see that identity is fickle, it is never fixed, the way I think about myself or how I am allowed myself to think about myself is important, it controls whether we want to be optimistic or pessimistic, we get it or we don't.

I was starting to realize that my baby is my world now, recognition and acknowledgment from him is nothing different from the other, just in a blink of an eye, he will grow into a toddler, kid, teenager, or adult, he will be able to make his own judgment, his own point of view, and being the best of myself for him I believe will make him understood that changes are something that inevitable in life. That it is okay if something doesn't always go as we are expected to. I always wanted to be a carrier woman, but I guess now I learn that the carrier itself has a broad meaning, it depends on how we want to see it.

I've learned that being there for him doesn’t mean that I could not do anything other than that, I had the opportunity to work remotely from home, and now I'm starting my own business, and starting to write, again. I love to read, thus I read and memorize it so I can re-tell it to my son, I do remember kids' songs and sing them every time for him. I keep doing self-development and self-enrichment only in different ways.

Because being a mother is about taking care of your kids, and yourself. About giving your time to your family, and yourself. About putting your family first without neglecting yourself.About doing what you are passionate about while teaching your family how to. About being everything, and everyone at a time. It's okay to lose yourself for a while Mom, it is definitely okay, it is just part of the process so then you can wake up, get back and fight for, life. In fact, even a soldier needs a rest. Well, as much as i love that “Byantara’s mother” title, to me i still prefer to be called “Elida” my very basic identity.